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6/10/ 12:12 am
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The skinny little girl with delicate arms and frail legs won't let me go. Her ribs are poking out and her stomach is indented around them with her hip bones pertruding. She's astoundingly gorgeous. She's me. She's the me I could be if I'd just follow her advice. She's always in my mind. She makes sure she's always in my mind. The vivid image of her and her beauty, never ceasing throughout my days. She tells me not to eat, she'll never leave me be. She reminds me that when I look like her, the version of me that I should be, she'll leave. She'll be a reality. When she knows I have total and complete control over myself, she'll be able to let me be.
I just need the control.
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6/9/ 11:17 am
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Hmmm...
I am so bored without school. It's not even noon and I've already cleaned the room and worked out. I'm used to having to get everything done with a deadline, not having nothing to do during an infinite time period. I should probably go clean out my car. I'm pretty sure I've got a bottle of antifreeze in the backseat and I don't think it's been properly vaccuumed in a few weeks. I just had lunch, half a can of chicken broth. I love how full the broth makes you. It's most likely because It's so warm. I've got to get going on FAFSA forms for college... haha, a little late, hm? Oh well. At least I've got my scholarship. I'm going to work at 5. Then I'm going to sleep with my loves tonight. I love working because I can't eat. Especially fridays, it's always so busy and I probably burn so many calories standing/walking/downright running sometimes throughout the 6 hours I'm there. Hopefully I'll be over my baby's house tomorrow, unless his parents kick me out (we plan on sleeping in my car tonight) and then back to work tomorrow 5-11 again. I'll probably stay home tomorrow night, and see my love all day Sunday. Hopefully. I love him to death.
I think I'm going to clean that car now, If I can last the day without eating more (and It's likely) I'll be quite proud. How much is half a can of chicken broth? 10? I think the whole can is 20. We'll go with 20. 20 calories, and work... I'll definitely burn them off and probably create a defecit, which means weight loss. Thank god.
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| There's a method to her madness |
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6/8/ 1:06 pm
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The name's Lily. This is my first post, those of you I just added are probably wondering who I am. I just want some friends with the same mindset I have. I was diagnosed as anorexic at age 13, and it's tough to have friends who will stand beside me through the forced therapy and rehab, especially when I'm not very interested in it. I'm 17 and i've just graduated high school. I'm 5'2 and currently 94 lbs, making my BMI 17.2.
I'm probably going to update pretty often, as it keeps my mind off of stuff. Add me if you're interested.
XOXO
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forever_vivid's journal